slowing down

I've been so busy this month, I haven't slowed down long enough to write anything. I usually try to use my journal at least once a week to get my thoughts on paper, and I've learned that this practice can be very spiritual and helpful for my racing mind.

And so, when I read the prayer my boss wrote today (she writes and shares a prayer every work day with the staff & volunteers via email), I could feel it speaking to me. Not just because she mentioned a prayer request of mine, but because what she says about often doing several tasks at once and not being fully present in any of them, really struck me.

I have not slowed down lately; I have been going non-stop, trying to do more than possible and do it all faster than possible. This morning when I got to work early, I couldn't even focus enough to take advantage of the extra time I had. My mind could not slow down. It's was if I no longer knew how to function unless I was running late or feeling behind.

In actuality, I have lots of time right now. I'm at a place in life where I work 32 hours a week and have much more free time than when I was a full-time student or than I will when I have a full-time job. Yes, I do need to find a job for post-YAV August and yes I do need to study for the rec therapy certification exam I'll be taking in October, but those are not the things that have caused me to sprint through these last few days and weeks. It's just the little stuff I've allowed to cause me anxiety and keep me frantic.

However, as often happens, the guests I meet and work with at the outreach center are the ones who force me to slow down. I always have and will enjoy working with people. I love the challenge of relating to all sorts of people. I am passion about people and motivated by people. Today was a great example of this truth.

A woman named Christopher talked to me for at least an hour, probably longer. We discussed homelessness, how tough it is, how cruelly others treat those who are homeless; we held hands and prayed together; we cried together and agreed that being female is not often easy; we laughed together and laughed at each other.

Much like other guests of mine who seem as if they may never stop talking, Christopher would not get up out of her chair and leave my desk, she just kept bringing up things to talk about and telling me how much my thoughtful, caring, friendly nature meant to her. She told me countless times that in the two days she had spent being homeless, I was the most genuine person she had met. I also took her to be pretty genuine, so her words were powerful; they spoke to my heart.

And although I thought about asking her to leave so I could assist other people, I just couldn't. It didn't seem like the right thing to do. Even though it goes against society's idea of productivity, I felt like there was a reason it was so hard to get her to leave. Perhaps it was a way to get me to slow down, to not be so "productive" in the common sense and instead, force me to be fully present in the moment and the task at hand, even if the task at hand was talking with Christopher about how much menstrual cramps hurt, but how they make us as women stronger.

Here is the prayer Kimberly, my boss, wrote this afternoon:

Feast or famine … a common phrase that we all may hear or say from time to time … This phrase can be used to describe the Outreach Center sometimes … there are days when we are bursting at the seams with guests and there are other days when hardly anyone is sitting in our lobby by late morning. Yesterday was one of those days … it felt like a famine, but today was a feast! The lobby was packed from the time we opened until we closed! It was busy and no matter who you were or what you were doing, you remained busy! There didn’t seem to be any time to slow down!

As I sit here and reflect on all of that, I keep going back to something Katie shared with us during our circle. She wanted us to think about “slowing down.” She was on her way to work this morning, when a man in her neighborhood said, “Coffee?” She thought he was asking her if she had any coffee. She said she gave him her standard answer, “I don’t have any cash” and she kept walking. She said she later realized that he was sitting in front of a convenience store and that possibly, he was just asking her to go in and buy him a cup of coffee. She said she could have done that with a debit card, but she was busy, headed in her own direction, and didn’t slow down. She said it was a good reminder to her and she wanted us to think about it.

God, I have thought about it this morning, a good bit of the morning in fact. I felt at times that I was trying to do three and four things at a time and I realized that I wasn’t doing any of them very well. I am often like this and I wonder if anyone else operates the same way?

God, help us to remember to slow down. Who knows what or whom we may encounter if we do? Amen.

random thoughts

Here are some thoughts of mine from my journal. There isn't a true rhyme or rhythm to them, but it's what I have to offer from my experience at this time along the journey.

"Pray all the time. It will help in times of trouble."

Notice that it doesn't say "pray in times of trouble; it will help."
Our worldly spin on faith is often that it is something important we can rely on when things get tough. Although many sermons are preached on praying and groups devoted to collective prayer, hu,ans still seem quite confused in the matter of prayer. For me, prayer has always been a task, drudgery really. Because even though I know I'm supposed to practice continually, I do not. I don't feel confident in my ability to pray. I know intellectually, that it is not a task to be mastered, but an attempt that will be constantly reformed. When I lack self-confidence I tend to avoid doing what I think I should be able to do. Procrastination is my worst enemy. I give in to it on a daily basis and miss out on so many opportunities!
I've recently been studying the Enneagram personality types. Learning about my personality is helpful because knowing that I'm not alone, that others understand and share in my struggles is comforting. Surrounding myself with friends and people who are confident in my abilities and who push me to use my talents is so essential to my growth! Sally, my fellow Atlanta YAV is a great person for that because she believes in me and pushes me in many situations to be active toward my success. I hope I can be a similar force for her and others, in whom I see enormous potential.
Journaling is very therapeutic-it allows me to process things without having to rely on another person to be available to listen. I feel good about realizations I've come to while writing. And sometimes I really surprise myself with thoughts, reflections, or ideas that come out of this spiritual practice.

the words of others

"There is so much to be done, there is so much that can be done.
One person of integrity can make a difference, a difference of life and death. As long as one dissident is in prison, our freedom will not be true. As long as one child is hungry, our life will be filled with anguish and shame. What all these victims need above all is to know that they are not alone; that we are not forgetting them, that when their voices are stifled we shall lend them ours, that while their freedom depends on ours, the quality of our freedom depends on theirs.
We know that every moment is a moment of grace, every hour an offering; not to share them would be to betray them.
Our lives no longer belong to us alone; they belong to all those who need us desperately."
Excerpt from Night by Elie Wiesel

This is what I feel on the inside and want to live on the outside. His words speak so directly to my desires-- what I'm discerning as God's desires for me. Sometimes words are not enough. And sometimes other people's words seem to fit my life better than my own words. In my history, I have often carried with me the words of others, and these words continue to speak to me in new and surprising ways.

"Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely." Augusta Rodin

"Here I am Lord. Is it I Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart." hymn Here I am Lord by Daniel L. Schutte

"Nobody's free until everybody's free." Fannie Lou Hamer

So what? Reading, thinking, praying, writing--these are only the beginning. As I am doing these things, I must also be living, loving, speaking, touching, connecting. And in what specific ways I can do all of these things I am not entirely sure. Right now I feel that I'm in a space where I am hovering, waiting for a glimpse of clarity as to how my education and present circumstance will overlap and mesh into a future. I pray for openness to sense God's call toward a future-- a job, a career, a lifestyle that allows for both my college degree and my volunteer service to fuel what I offer to others. I am okay with being in a place of uncertainty. I am anxious, nervous, curious, excited, but ultimately I believe that I must stay here for a while before I can move into discernment, action, actualization. I will continually place my trust and hope in God, the only one who is in control.

a hug

I received a very unexpected hug from a friend last Tuesday. It was so needed.

Latley, I've been really stressed out with trying to figure out my student loan stuff and health insurance stuff. No, I'm not having to begin repaying loans right now and yes, I do have health insurance. But, navigating those two systems to make sure all of the paperwork is done correctly takes more than a college degree. I'm learning so much about the day-to-day struggles of the average adult, and I'm so thankful for this opportunity for knowledge and experience.

In one hand is the world of health insurance and my teeny-tiny existence in the cosmos of endless red tape. One of the goals set for me during the week of orientation by this volunteer program is that by the end of the service term, I should be in control of my health insurance and understand how it works. Well, I'm not quite there yet, but man am I working towards it! Lots of phone conversations with my doctor, my insurance company, and wise, seasoned adults are preparing me to not only deal with the present but also future management of the economical and political aspects of my health.

In the other hand is the equally complicated world of student loans. Calculating when to pay who and how much, or if and how I can seek deferment may seem simple enough because tons of people have gone before me and come out alive, right? Well, like I said before, at times it appears to take more than the education, for which the loan money paid, to navigate the loan/debt system. And wanting to handle it on my own without asking for help was somewhat of a stumbling block, as I currently find myself in a place of financial strain.

So, all of this garble is really getting at the cloud of confusion that's been looming over me for the past few weeks. I think this navigation process is to what people are referring when they talk about "the real world," and how rudely it can awaken us from the slumber we enjoyed for so many years while someone else, usually parents, took care of these details of our lives.

Back to the hug. After a long day of listening (which is often what my mornings consist of doing, because more and more I'm finding that the people who walk through the outreach center door need someone with whom they can share, uninterupted or judged), and an afternoon of slowly putting together a few more peices of the student loan puzzle, I left my office and headed home. It must have been obvious from my demeanor that I was carrying a heavy burden because no one tried to talk to me and even if they smiled I probably didn't notice, as I had my head down, staring deep into the sidewalk cracks, wondering what kind of mess I'd gotten myself into with all of these loans. As I approached the train station, I heard someone yell, "You just walked right past me!" I, of course, assumed they were not talking to me and kept going. Then I heard the same voice say, "Ms. Jenkins, you walked right past me." At this point I stopped and turned back. When I looked up, I saw Gino walking towards me. He stretched out his long arms and gave me an enormous hug. I told him I was sorry I hadn't seen him and that I was stressed out. I'm not sure if that's what I meant to say, but that's what came out when I opened my mouth, and he responded by saying, "Well I thought you were because you looked a little down." Continuing to walk, I thanked him for the hug and he said, "It was great to see you." As soon as I turned from him, I broke into tears. I had been holding back, trying not to cry, but he seemed to say with his hug, "go ahead, it's alright to cry." It was one of those surreal moments that I will cherish, in which I saw and felt God.

Gino came back into the outreach center today, and when I saw him in the lobby he said that he had come to check up on me. I told him several times how thankful I was to have seen him at the train station that day and that I was so grateful for the hug. He just smiled.


I've heard other stories very similar to the one I told, but something about other stories often bothers me. At first the other stories seem the same; however, one thing is different. Several story-tellers will point out that their friend is homeless and less fortunate and how surprising it is that she or he is able to be there and offer something, like a hug, at such a crucial moment.

Now, I didn't mention in my account that Gino is a guest of the outreach center, or that he is currently homeless. Although these details are a part of his life, they didn't seem relevant to my story, except that we know each other through our interactions at the center. And I was not at all surprised that Gino was able to offer me a hug and be such a peaceful and calming presence. The experience was one of simple beauty, of friendship offered and received at just the right moment. And I feel blessed to be the recipient of that hug.

fasting

Distraction is an interesting concept because it is relative. If something or someone seems to be very distracting from the task in which I am presently engaged, I am often tempted to ask myself, why is this so distracting? Could it be because I am not so focsued on the task at hand? Or could it be because the distraction is actually toward what I need to devote my attention? It is even more curious to think about this in light of reading about fasting as a spiritual discipline. The book I'm reading for our house discussion speaks a great deal to distractions that surface during fasting, and just what those thoughts mean for our lives. Honestly, I don't think I've ever given fasting a whole lot of thought. Sure, I've fasted a few times before, but never very fervently or reverently. Praying has been more a forced part of fasting than a desired focus. The content of Celebration of Discipline:The Path to Spiritual Growth is fairly straightforward, yet the words are heavy and dare to point to reasons why I should fast on regular basis. So, needless to say I am considering fasting and perhaps doing it often. I can hardly find a reason, now, not to fast. But I will certainly approach this spiritual discipline in a much more serious and intentional way.

empty yet full?

After writing the following entry in my journal, I heard something during a sermon this Sunday that I'm adding as a preface. Rev. Marinda Harris is the minister of West Hills Presbyterian whose congregation shares a church and a worship service with Rice Memorial Presbyterian, the church I attend here in Atlanta. She said "it doesn't matter if your glass is half empty or half full; what's important is that you have a glass and God is pouring something into it!"

Empty. That is how this new year has begun. So many aspects of my life are currently empty. The gas tank in my car (or rather, the car my parents have been lending me for the past 5 years) is just a few miles from being completely empty. My bank account is a few cents (.97) from being empty. My Marta card has but a couple days left before it will be empty. The pantry shelves that usually hold my food are nearly empty.

Full and overflowing. That is also how this new year has begun. So many aspects of my life are currently full. I am full of excitement about the work I'm doing at the outreach center. My social calendar has been filled with friends visiting me and me visiting friends over the recent holidays. The Y fills me with energy and endorphines from exercising. My housemates, neighbors, and acquaintances are full of thought-provoking questions that are helping me discern more about my life and my relationship with God and with others. Not to mention, my stomach is full of nutritious food, my dresser drawers are full of comfortable clothes, and my house is full of warm air and warm people.

So, why is the emptiness significant? It seems that sometimes stark emptiness or nothingness is necessary. A sense of being financially empty or without, tends to make me question just how much power I have when I do spend money. I often find it difficult to fully understand what many families go through as they struggle to make ends meet-- to feed their children, pay the rent or mortgage, and get everyone where they need to be without spending more money than they're making at their job(s). Going several days with nothing in my bank account but a handful of loose change gives me a slight glimpse into that world, a taste of the stress and burden brought on by financial hardship.

I am grateful to have the opportunity to struggle-- with myself, my choices, my contribution and participation in society-- and I will embrace this struggle, so that I may grow. Only when we as humans truly engage or wrestle with our circumstances, can we change our ways and move closer to the people whom God created us to be and calls us to be. If we do not love we are nothing. And if we do not struggle, we do nothing (worthwhile).

advent = waiting

This has been such a wonderfully busy month! As part of a neighborhood Advent celebration, several of the people in my neighborhood took turns writing a meditation for each day in Advent and sharing it through email. I volunteered for Tuesday, the 24th day in Advent, and I must admit the act of reading various translations and reflecting on the verses was very meaningful and touched me in a way I could not have expected. I wanted to share the meditation with you, as well. Although Christmas day has past, I hope it speaks to you, still.

Zephaniah 3:14-20

A Song of Joy
14Sing aloud, O daughter Zion;
shout, O Israel!
15Rejoice and exult with all your heart,
O daughter Jerusalem!
16On that day it shall be said to Jerusalem:
Do not fear, O Zion;
do not let your hands grow weak.
17The Lord, your God, is in your midst,
a warrior who gives victory;
he will rejoice over you with gladness,
he will renew you* in his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing
18 as on a day of festival.
*I will remove disaster from you,*
so that you will not bear reproach for it.
19I will deal with all your oppressors
at that time.
And I will save the lame
and gather the outcast,
and I will change their shame into praise
and renown in all the earth.
20At that time I will bring you home,
at the time when I gather you;
for I will make you renowned and praised
among all the peoples of the earth,
when I restore your fortunes
before your eyes, says the Lord.

And from Eugene Peterson’s The Message:

So sing, Daughter Zion!
raise the rafters, Israel!
Daughter Jerusalem,
be happy! Celebrate!
GOD has reversed his judgments against you
and sent your enemies off chasing their tails.
From now on, GOD is Israel’s king,
in charge at the center.
There’s nothing to fear from evil
ever again!
Jerusalem will be told
“Don’t be afraid
Dear Zion,
don’t despair."
Your GOD is present among you,
a strong Warrior there to save you.
Happy to have you back, he’ll calm you with his love
and delight you with his songs.
“The accumulated sorrows of your exile
will dissipate.
I, your GOD, will get rid of them for you.
You’ve carried those burdens long enough.
At the same time, I’ll get rid of all those
who’ve made your life miserable.
I’ll heal the maimed;
I’ll bring home the homeless.
In the very countries where they were hated
they will be venerated.
On Judgment Day
I’ll bring you back home— a great family gathering!
You’ll be famous and honored
all over the world.
You’ll see it with your own eyes—
all those painful partings turned into reunions!”
GOD’s Promise.

Discussion:
Back-tracking a bit in chapter 3, it is clear that God isn’t pleased with the people and wants them to repent— to turn around completely and change the way they are living. God threatens to destroy God’s own people, in no uncertain terms.And then, almost as if part of the story was left out or lost in translation, the passage for today elaborates on how God will save the people and protect them from all enemies.An earlier verse reads, “In the end I will turn things around for the people.” So, it seems that perhaps God was truly angry and frustrated with the people, pleading for them to turn around on their own. But God ends up doing the turning— God reverses judgment and goes in quite the opposite direction, reclaiming the people as God’s people and reassuring them of God’s presence among them.Could this be the cycle that God goes through with us every year, wanting us to repent and live peacefully, getting so fed up that God wishes to simply purge the population, yet continually releasing us from our deserved punishment and taking ownership once more?Advent is about preparing ourselves, about waiting to receive an unimaginable gift. The gift of Jesus our savior. And maybe for God, Advent is also a time of waiting anxiously, to withhold wrath and embrace us in grace and mercy once more.

Exercise/Motion:
Stand up a few feet away from a wall. If you close you eyes and walk forward, you will eventually run into the wall, right? But if you keep your eyes open, you will see the wall ahead of you and go a different direction. Imagine that the space in front of you is the path down which your life is headed. So, it is with our life. If we live with our eyes closed to God, we will hit a wall, past which we cannot go on our own. But, if we live with our eyes open to God, we will be able to see when we need to turn around. I encourage you to actually stand up and try walking toward the wall with your eyes closed. Can you tell that you are getting closer to the wall? What is your initial reaction? Was it to turn and keep your eyes closed or to open them and look around you?

Prayer:
God of Advent, we confess that we often close our eyes to you and your people. We want to experience Advent in a whole new way this year, and we are trying to open ourselves to the coming of Jesus, again. Please forgive us, as you did long ago and as you have continued to do throughout time, and embrace us as yours. Although we may have anxious hearts and minds, you are the God of peace and hope. Peace that will help calm our anxiety and hope that we will keep our eyes open so that we can know and share your grace and mercy this Advent. Amen.